Newsies/MarySue Parody
by Kitty Kakopoulos-Kauffman
Summary: Please, guys, R&R, I worked my butt off last night ('til 5:40 a.m.!) and it's not even done...just let me know what you think so far.
1. Introduction: My Parody

I wrote this story based on the Newsies Mary Sue Litmus Test at http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Trailer/3858/msnewsies.html. By the time the story's done, it will have answered yes to _all_ of the questions on that test, and parodied newsies as well. I really hope you like it. Please read and review and let me know if you do like it. You can also email me at kittykauffman@yahoo.com. Thanks. On with the show...


	2. Chapter One: The Alleyway

Newsies/MarySue Parody   
  
This is all my own work, but Newsies (characters, etc.) is the property of Disney, so I don't get sued. Please enjoy, and please, for God's sake, review. **_REVIEW!_** Please, guys, R&R, I worked my butt off last night ('til 5:40 a.m.!) and it's not even done...just let me know what you think so far.  
  
_Ah...six a.m.: when things are just not funny anymore..._  
  


* * *

Chapter 1

Kitty Kakopoulos trudged down 5th Avenue in Manhattan, New York in the rain. Her light brown hair was plastered to her head, and her violet eyes sparkled with the cold. She was a porcelain-skinned girl of 17 years old with a perfect figure, and had time-traveled from 2001 to 1899. She was chasing her older brother, Themistocles, or Themi for short, who'd gone back in time to New York City in 1899 because he liked to burst out into spontaneous song-and-dance numbers and do pelvic thrusts. When he was made fun of in college, he decided to go somewhere where he'd be accepted.   
  
Unfortunately, when Kitty landed in 1899, she landed in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and was adopted by Joseph Pulitzer's sister's maid's cousin's doctor's son's gardener's uncle's daughter's father's daughter's dog's trainer's mother's volleyball coach. On a family train ride away from their mansion and Frisbee-manufacturing empire and millions of dollars in Santa Fe to New York, Kitty's train crashed into a cow on the tracks just outside of Oklahoma. Due to the flammability of the cow, the last 10 cars, which were built entirely out of gunpowder, exploded, causing a massive earthquake, which swallowed up all of the train, except Kitty's car, with her family in it. Then a tornado came along, picking up the car and taking it 1400 miles before dropping it in the New York harbor. Unfortunately, all the alligators had escaped from the Central Park Zoo that day, and were waiting in the harbor for the perfectly timed meal. Kitty's family was eaten, but she managed to climb out, with the help of a bunch of seals who knew how to speak English and fight off alligators.   
  
And then she was on 5th Avenue, walking in the rain, and looking for her long-lost real brother. Suddenly, she found herself speaking in strange accents, mispronouncing her r's and a-r combinations. _Oh, Themi...wheah ah ya? I've soiched everywheah..._ Her oddly exceptional and eccentric eyes darted into the next alleyway she passed, but still no sign of her brother. Unfortunately, there was sign of something else...a trio of shadowy figures engaged in a fight. Even though she knew she should continue walking and not become involved, a nagging thought at the back of her mind wouldn't let her. _What if it's Themi? Besides, I'm da main charactah, and I have to get involved in everyt'ing I walk past!_ She leaned against the edge of the entrance to the alley, her dazzling eyes peering around the corner.   
  
There appeared to be a boy on his knees on the ground, and two bigger and probably older boys pummeling him. The boy cried out in pain once, which prompted the tallest boy to slug him in the stomach. Kitty gasped in horror as she watched, and unfortunately, the shorter of the two boys, in a bowler hat, heard her and turned.   
  
"Well, well, well, what have we heah?" he asked, approaching Kitty with a creepy grin on his face. She stepped back, about to run, but tripped on a loose cobblestone and fell backwards, landing on her backside and breaking her leg in fifteen places, cutting her arm open on a dull rock, and spontaneously bleeding from her head. Unable to walk, she was an easy target, and the boy grabbed her, calling to the taller one who was still beating the victim in the alley. " 'Ey, Ugly...uh...I mean...Mahrris...look what I found...an eavesdroppah..."   
  
His companion guffawed. "Whaddaya think yah doin', goilie?"   
  
"Nothin'...nothin' at all..." Kitty answered, terrified.   
  
"You was spyin' on us...we don' appreciate spies, toots..." And with that, the one in the bowler, who she would soon find out to be Oscar Delancey, sent a punch straight to her stomach. Then he hit her across the chin. Morris took the last shot, a punch with his brass knuckles direct to the nose. Suddenly, all was blackness...she could hear the two of them arguing over where to put her body, and she felt herself being dragged into the alley and dropped in the corner, and then she slipped into unconsciousness.


	3. Chapter Two: Dumb Accents

Newsies/MarySue Parody   
  
This is all my own work, but Newsies (characters, etc.) is the property of Disney, so I don't get sued. Please enjoy, and please, for God's sake, review. **_REVIEW!_** Please, guys, R&R, I worked my butt off last night ('til 5:40 a.m.!) and it's not even done...just let me know what you think so far.  
  
_Ah...six a.m.: when things are just not funny anymore..._  
  


* * *

Chapter 2

When Kitty came to, she was in a warm bed, a blanket draped over her. She had a dull pain in her stomach, and she couldn't move any part of her face without it hurting incredibly. Her leg hurt, and there was a wound on her forehead, and her arm was split open, and held together with a dirty shoelace. She groaned.   
  
" 'Ey! Yah awake!!" An unattractive blonde girl jumped up from her chair next to the bed Kitty was in. "Lucky! She's awake!" Kitty lifted her head in time to see a 3-foot-tall man with red hair and green clothes do a jig into her room.   
  
"Ah! Faith and begorah! She _is_ awake! Bless me lucky charms!" He hopped up on the bed and continued his jig. "Have ye seen me lucky charms, lass?" he asked Kitty. She blinked at him. His face fell, "Ah, I'm just here because of me ridiculous accent." He did a sad jig off the bed and out the door, to go retrieve Kloppman.   
  
The blonde girl came up to Kitty's side. "I'm Streamah. I been watchin' ovah you fah da last five houahs. We all been takin' toins makin' suah yah okay."   
  
"We all?"   
  
((author's note: i put all these names out of the new yawk accent because they're hard to read like that...and besides, shifting in and out of the accent is part of the whole experience, isn't it?! *grin*))   
  
"Da newsies...foist deah's Cowboy, den Race, Blink, Mush, Skittery, Bumlets, Specs, Itey, Snipeshooter, Davey, Les, Snoddy, and Spot, and den all da goils, Dirt, Sludge, Static, Wet Noodle, Driftwood, East River Water, Myrtle, Harry, and a coise we got da dog, Big Ruff Ruff, Sarah named him, and da cats, Fat and Stupid. What's yah name?"   
  
Kitty blinked at her. "I...I can't remembah..."   
  
"Ya can't remembah?!" Streamer shrieked. "Ya must have amnesia!"   
  
"Amnesia?"   
  
"Yeah, ya can't remembah anyt'in'. Dat means ya got amnesia."   
  
By this time, the fog had rolled off of Kitty's brain and she remembered who she was. "But I do rememb-..."   
  
Just then Kloppman burst in. "How's my patient?"   
  
Streamer hollered, "She's got amnesia! She don't remembah anyt'in'."   
  
Kitty raised her voice to protest. "I _**do**_ remembah. I'm Ekaterina Kakopoulos, boahn in-..."   
  
But Kloppman interrupted her. "Amnesia! Oh no! And I thought my work was so good! So beautiful..." Kloppman trailed off and stared lovingly at the gangrenous stitching in Kitty's arm. "Used my best shoelace on it, and everything..." He sighed dreamily. "I always wanted to be a doctor."   
  
Before Kitty could respond this time, a horde of newsies burst through the door, apparently all selling their last papers at the same time, and in the same place, because they all appeared at the door at the exact same time, squeezing to get into the bunkroom. Random shouts of, "How's da new goil?" and "Who took my socks? Ya joiks! Dose wah me best socks!" echoed through the bunkroom.   
  
Streamer shouted, "She's got amnesia, nobody touch her..."   
  
Jack Kelly, otherwise known as Cowboy, stepped up to Kitty's bed. "How ya feelin'?"   
  
"I'm f-..."   
  
"Dey call me Cowboy," Jack said, cutting her off. "I'm da leadah of da Manhattan newsies, and everyone heah does what I say."   
  
Kid Blink, a young man with an eyepatch, rolled his eyes behind Jack. Kitty smirked. "Who ah all a ya?"   
  
They all said their respective names, all at once, and it all came out as a big jumble of speech. Kitty grinned.   
  
"Eh, it don't mattah," Jack said. "Dey're all a bunch a bums anyway. What mattahs is who ah _you_?"   
  
Streamer called out again. "I tol' ya, she's got amnesia!"   
  
Kitty rolled her eyes. "I don't have amnesia. I'm Kitty. Kitty Kakopoulos."   
  
From somewhere in the back of the group, she heard a loud gasp. "KITTY?!" Specs pushed his way through the crowd. "What ah ya doin' heah?!"   
  
"Themi!" Kitty shouted and tried to leap out of bed to hug him, but remembered her leg was broken in fifteen places...and after that look of Kloppman's she really didn't trust his doctoring abilities.   
  
The band of newsies said in unison, "Themi?!"   
  
Specs hugged Kitty tightly. "I missed ya, sis." He grinned and put his newsie cap on her head and stood up to face the guys. "And she blew me covah. I ain't Specs. In fact, I don' need dese t'ings ta read."   
  
He tossed his glasses off, and they landed on Lucky's head. "Faith and begorah!"   
  
"I'm really Themi. I came heah from da futchah," Themi finished. Everone gawked at him. "I know, it's hahd ta believe."   
  
Racetrack, an Italian boy, interrupted. "No, it ain't. We's just sick a you guys comin' ta bother us. We's tryin' ta make a decent livin', and all these goils keep beamin' in wit deah strange futchahristic t'ings." He held up a video camera. "Like dis. A goil gave me dis da last time dey was t'rough heah. What am I gonna do wit dis? I mean, I ain't got a VCR or a computah, or whatevah ya call 'em."   
  
Specs ignored him, he was off and running with this futuristic bit. "We come from a different time, a different place, we got different t'ings, like video cameras, computers, VCRs..." Race rolled his eyes. "It may be hahd fah you guys ta comprehend, but we got dese t'ings called automobiles..."   
  
" 'Ey, stupid...we already got dose!" someone called from the back.   
  
Kloppman stepped in right then and there, snapping out of his dream state where he was dancing with his shoelace. "Alright, kids, let's let Kitty sleep."   
  
Everyone said goodnight to their new best friend, seeing as Kitty had won them over so quickly with her charm, grace, and...well...existance...and Kitty fell asleep, ignoring the gangrene that was setting into her arm. 


End file.
